Breaking the Silence and Rebuilding Lives: Resources and Support for Survivors of Intimate Partner (Domestic) Violence

• Why do I stay?
  • When the victim is in denial
  • When the abuser is controlling the victim
• Helpful resources
• Common misconceptions regarding IPV resources
• What should I expect at an IPV crisis center?
• How do I help my friend or loved one?
• What is a safety plan?
  • If you are currently in a relationship
  • If you are planning to leave
  • If you have left your abusive partner
• What do I do if I witness intimate partner violence?

Key Takeaways

• Victims of intimate partner violence (IPV) are often in denial.
• Denial is not accepting the truth of a situation. It is a common way for us to cope with overwhelming situations.
• Abusers use physical and sexual violence or intimidation and mental aggression (or mental abuse) to control their partners.
• Survivors of IPV can feel like leaving is impossible. But it isn’t. It may not always be easy, but much help is available.
• If you, your children, or anyone else is in immediate danger, call 911 (in the US). This is the fastest way to get life-saving help.

Why do I stay?

This is one of the most common questions about intimate partner violence (IPV). The answer is often complicated and different for everyone.

People who have not experienced IPV can find it difficult to understand why someone would stay in an abusive relationship.
When IPV victims stay in the relationship, people can lose empathy. This includes their friends, families, doctors, and law enforcement. If we understand why people stay in abusive relationships, we can better help them.

Two main reasons people stay in abusive relationships:

1. The victim is in denial
2. The abuser is controlling the victim

When the Victim is in Denial

Denial is not accepting the truth of a situation. It is a common way for people to cope with overwhelming situations. It is not something done purposely. Most people in denial do not even know it.

You can avoid the stressful situation by not admitting that it exists. So, if you deny being a victim of IPV when it’s obvious you are in an abusive relationship, you’re in denial.

For a victim of IPV to move toward improving their situation and safety, they need to stop being in denial.

Most of us have experienced a relationship break-up of some sort, and so we understand that this is hard. However, most people think that if someone hits or abuses them, choosing to leave should be easy. This is not always true. Leaving an abusive partner can be one of the most challenging things a person does in their life.

When they look back at their relationship, many survivors of IPV will say there was no abuse in the beginning. Of course, there are exceptions. However, abusive people can be very charming and appear loving, particularly early in the relationship. They can seem to return to this “better version” of themselves in between abusive episodes. They may always show this charming side to people outside the relationship, like friends and family.

The relationship may start just like any other: the couple falls in love and may start a family before the abuse happens or is severe enough to be recognized.

Over time, the abuse may get worse. By this point, the decision to leave may not just be a decision to stop getting hurt but to break up your family and possibly lose your children, social status, and peers. Even in relationships not involving abuse, wanting to keep the family together “for the sake of the kids” is a common reason for couples who would otherwise split up.

In addition, abusers are often very attentive and loving towards their partner after an episode of abuse. They may promise the abuse won’t happen again and promise to get help. The victim may feel hopeful that the person they love is “back” and that leaving is no longer needed.

When the Abuser is Controlling the Victim

Abusers use physical and sexual violence and mental aggression (or mental abuse) to control their partners.

When you have experienced IPV in a long-term relationship, your abuser’s control makes it very hard for you to leave. This is the type of control your abuser wants.

Here are some examples of how control might affect your ability to leave an abusive relationship:

1. You blame yourself. Your abusive partner has often blamed you and punished you for “causing” their outbursts. So much so that you actually believe it. You may feel that everything will be fine if you just do what your partner wants.
2. You feel ashamed to admit your partner is abusive since you think it is your fault. You are sure that others will think poorly of you for experiencing this.
3. You are afraid. Your partner may threaten to harm you if you ever try to leave. They may have said, “If I can’t have you, no one can.” They may threaten to kill themselves if you leave. They may threaten to hurt your kids or other loved ones. They may have threatened to report you to immigration if you are an undocumented resident. They may have repeatedly said you can never succeed on your own, to the point where you believe this is true.
4. You don’t know how to leave. Your abusive partner may be keeping you away from people who could help you, like friends and family. They may restrict or monitor your access to a phone, the internet, and transportation. As a result, you may have little idea of the existing resources available to help you.
5. Your cultural or religious beliefs may frown on leaving your partner. In this situation, you may find that even family and friends are not supporting you because of the strength of these beliefs.

Any of these barriers can make it very difficult to leave an abusive relationship. Many people have multiple barriers. Survivors of IPV can feel like leaving is impossible. But it isn’t impossible. It may not be easy, but help is available.

You must remember and repeatedly affirm to yourself that intimate partner violence:

• is NEVER your fault
• is NOT a weakness on your part
• Is not something you deserve

Helpful Resources:

If you are experiencing any IPV, many types of help are available. Know that you are not alone. Many people from all walks of life experience IPV.

• Call 911 (within the US) for immediate life-saving help.
• Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH):
  • call 800-799-SAFE (7233)
  • text “Start” to 88788
  • if you are hard of hearing, send a text to their TTY number,  800-787-3224
  • search for local resources or chat live on their website
• Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline 24/7 help is available by:
  • phone (800-656-HOPE/4673)
  • through live online chat
  • help via mobile app or chatbot
  • services available in English and Spanish
• Get in touch with the National Dating Abuse Helpline or Love Is Respect:
  • call 866-331-9474 for 24/7 help
  • use their live chat service
  • LGBTQIA+ support
  • text LOVEIS to 22522
• Locate your local IPV crisis center by searching for “intimate partner violence crisis center” or “domestic violence crisis center.” Don’t forget to add your city or county and state.

Common Misconceptions Regarding IPV Resources:

• The IPV crisis line should only be used when I need shelter.

Not true. A crisis center offers so much more than a roof over your head. Expect compassionate, non-judgmental support, daily survival tactics, and much more.

• I need to be ready to leave my partner to get help.

You do not have to be ready to leave your partner to get help. You can do a lot to keep yourself safer in your situation and make it safer for you when and if you decide to leave. Your advocate will not tell you what to do. They will inform you of the help available to make a suitable decision.

What Should I Expect At an IPV Crisis Center?

There may be slight variation in the types of assistance available between different centers. Here are some of the more commonly available services offered.

1. Emergency help. Yes, sometimes you need a shelter. If you are forced to flee due to IPV, you may not have anywhere to go. An IPV center may have a hidden emergency shelter where you can stay temporarily. They also may have funding to help you pay for a hotel or other temporary housing assistance.
2.  Support groups and counseling. Support groups are meetings where survivors of IPV get together in a safe place (like the IPV center) to learn from each other. The groups all have a counselor with special training. They are often survivors of IPV themselves, so they know where you’re coming from.
3. Legal assistance. Many centers can provide basic legal assistance, such as obtaining a protective or restraining order. A protective or restraining order is an order from a judge that makes it illegal for your partner to contact you and your children in any way. They can help you find an attorney with experience in this field if you have more complicated legal needs. The types of protective orders available vary by where you live.
4. Speak to an advocate. You will likely be able to talk with an IPV advocate over the phone or in person. An advocate is someone with special training to help people with IPV and can refer you to other resources in the community if needed. You can expect an advocate to listen to your concerns, not judge you, have a lot of experience with all the problems you are dealing with, and keep your information confidential.
5. Make a safety plan. Being in an abusive relationship is potentially dangerous. However, leaving is not without its dangers. Your advocate can help you figure out ways to improve the safety level for yourself, your children, and your pets while you are in the relationship, when leaving, and after the relationship has ended.

How Do I Help My Friend or Loved One?

The most important thing you can do for a friend or loved one who is an IPV survivor is to offer non-judgemental support, irrespective of their choice. It may be challenging to relate to their choices but remember, as stated before, the two most common causes for staying are:

1. The victim is in denial
2. The abuser is in control.

Resist the tendency to judge or blame the victim. They are already experiencing judgment, blame, and shame from their abusive partner and possibly themselves. Adding more guilt and pressure does not help. Being a source of hope and support can make all the difference.

There are many things you can do to help. Here is a list of some to consider. You don’t have to do all of these things. Only offer what you feel comfortable with. Be sure you are keeping yourself safe with any help you offer.

1. Talk to them. Let them know you are worried about them and why. If they deny the abuse, let them know you are available if they want to talk about it in the future.
2. Be there for them. Ask them what you can do to help. They may need someone to talk to who won’t be judgmental. At other times, they might need help with transportation or watching the kids.
   Your loved one might eventually leave the relationship, only to return later. This is not uncommon. Sometimes, people go back many times before they leave for good. This can be frustrating and difficult to watch. If you feel emotionally and physically able to do so, try to stay supportive and remember how difficult this is for them.
   Remember that your friend has to make their own decisions on the relationship. You can’t make those decisions for them, nor can you “rescue” them. Their partner already makes most decisions for them. Your friend needs to be empowered to make decisions. Your support can help. Respect their right to make their own decisions, even if you disagree.
3. Be part of the safety plan. We discuss this in more detail in an upcoming section of this article. There are many parts of a safety plan, and they differ based on each IPV survivor’s situation. Only agree to what you feel comfortable doing.
4. Help them get help. Share the resources outlined in this article with your loved one. Alternatively, you may help them research some of the resources so they can find the ones most suitable for them.
5. Share your resources. Allow your friend to use your phone or computer. Their partner may be searching their devices. If they want to go to a local IPV resource center, you could offer to go with them for support or provide transportation.
6. Learn more about how to help someone who is in an abusive relationship. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or a local IPV resource center, and they will be happy to talk to you. You do not have to be an IPV victim to call these numbers.

What is a safety plan?

A safety plan is just that: a plan to help keep you safer wherever you are in your abusive relationship.

Here are some things that might be part of your safety plan, depending on your current status in your abusive relationship.

Each person’s safety plan is a little different. You may ask trusted friends or family members to help. You can speak to an IPV advocate for guidance, as there are many things to consider. Having various people’s input will help tailor this plan to the specifics of your situation. The items listed below are only examples. Make a plan that is right for you.

1. If you are currently in a relationship, here are some items that can be part of your safety plan.

   • Have a code word. You and your family and friends know this word, which indicates that you need them to call for help (such as 911). You could use this word in a text or on the phone, and your abusive partner won’t know you are calling for help.
   • Find a safe place to stay when you feel unsafe at home. Memorize the phone number of a friend or family member who has agreed for you to call or stay with them when needed.
   • Make a plan for a safe, emergency public place to go. If you have to leave your home quickly, this should be a place that is open and has people around. This could be a fast food restaurant, police station, or even a 24-hour grocery store.

2. If you are planning to leave, there are some things you can do ahead of time to make this a safer time for you.

   • Pack emergency items. You can hide a packed bag at home if there is a safe place to get to quickly. If not, You can give a packed bag of these items to a friend or family member who does not live with you that you could pick up when you leave. Things to consider packing:
     • ID
     • Cash
     • Medication
     • Phone (your phone and burner phone) and charger
     • Health Insurance Card
     • ATM card
     • Car keys and House Keys
     • Include the needs of your kids or pets
   • Open your own bank account. It should be in your name only.
   • Document any injuries. If you have injuries at any time and call the police or go to a doctor, they will document your injuries. But taking your own photos and keeping those in a safe place can also be a good idea.

3. If you have left your abusive partner, there are still things that can keep you safer.

   Abuse can continue after you leave, including stalking.

   • Change your phone number and house locks if you stay in the same house. Alternatively, you can keep your telephone number. The abuser will continue to call that number. But get a new number that you share with only a few people. The abuser will not know to seek out your new number if they feel they are still communicating with you on the old number.
   • Use the Address Confidentiality Program. This program can help protect your new address from being found by your ex. Many states have an address confidentiality program.
   • Improve security in your home. Make sure all your doors and windows have locks that work. If affordable, consider installing a home security system.
   • Keep any restraining orders on you at all times.
   • Vary your daily routine. Take different routes to work. Shop at different stores on different days of the week, at different times.
   • If you have told your ex-partner to stay away or have a restraining order, tell your neighbors to call the police if they see your ex-partner come by.

Every person’s situation is different; these are just some examples and suggestions commonly used in a safety plan.

An advocate with any IPV support center will be able to help you figure out and decide what you need and want as part of your safety plan. If your situation changes, you must revise your plan. Your advocate can help.

What do I do if I witness intimate partner violence?

There are two important resources for you to know about.

1. Call 911 (within the US) or emergency services in your area.  If you need urgent or immediate assistance because you are being injured, witness someone else being injured, or are afraid you or they might be injured, call 911. That is the quickest way to get help and get you to safety.
2. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE(7233). People who are hard of hearing can reach this hotline via TTY 800-787-3224. You can also text “START” to 88788. Live chat is available on their website, thehotline.org.

This contact is free, confidential, and available 24/7. You will talk to an advocate who will listen to your concerns about your relationship without judgment. They will also help you figure out what is best for your situation. They can also refer you to resources in your local area.

You are not alone.

You are important.

You deserve to be safe.

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Why do I stay?
This is one of the most common questions about intimate partner violence (IPV).

Written by: myObMD writing team |Editor: Jennifer Abayowa and Dayna Smith, MD| Reviewed: January 8, 2024 | Copyright myObMD, Inc 2024.